If you think you speak English just because you know the words “hello” and “cup of tea,” think again. In a delightfully chaotic and hilariously insightful segment for Vanity Fair, actors Henry Cavill and Simon Pegg team up to teach audiences some classic—and quirky—British slang. From expressions about dogs’ anatomy to euphemisms for going to the bathroom, this crash course in colloquial English is equal parts education and entertainment.

🎬 Meet Your Professors of Proper (and Improper) British English
Simon Pegg – The sharp-witted comedic genius from Shaun of the Dead and Mission: Impossible.
Henry Cavill – The ever-dashing Superman and Witcher, bringing a serious (but cheeky) tone to every word.
Together, they form the most unlikely yet most British language teachers you’ll ever meet.

📺 The “Idiot Box” and Other TV Truths
The first slang lesson starts off with:

“Idiot box” – a British term for the TV, implying most of what’s on it is nonsense.
While Simon jokes that everything on TV is rubbish, Henry defends shows like The Handmaid’s Tale, Westworld, and Billions. The consensus? Maybe not everything is rubbish—but it’s still the “idiot box.”

🤪 Twits, Doofahs, and a Bit of Argy-Bargy
A whirlwind of slang terms follows:

Twit – A foolish or silly person. Used lightheartedly, like calling your mate a harmless goof.
Argy-bargy – A verbal or physical spat, often involving pushing, shoving, or loud disagreements. Very British.
Doofah (or Doofer) – A thingamajig, a placeholder word for any object whose name you’ve forgotten. Example: “Pass me the doofah,” and hope for the best.

🐶 The Dog’s Bollocks (Yes, Really)
One of the most famous and bizarre bits of British slang:

“The dog’s bollocks” – Meaning “the absolute best”.
Equivalent American phrases: the bee’s knees, the cat’s pajamas, the mutt’s nuts. Simon quips that people really do comment on a well-endowed dog, which somehow evolved into slang for excellence. British logic.

🧔 The Fuzz and Other Hairy Situations
The Fuzz – Slang for the police. Henry explains this comes from American slang referencing police officers with large mustaches. The British adopted it—perhaps ironically.

🧀 Hard Cheese – And Not the Lactose Kind
Hard Cheese – A quaint British way of saying “tough luck.”
Example: You miss your train? “Ah, hard cheese, mate.”
Henry jokes about a fictional film where he plays “Dave Cheese,” a lactose-intolerant detective. (We’d watch that.)

💃 Knees-Up and Pit-Fool Parties
Knees-up – A lively party. Often boozy, always messy.
Pit-Fool – Possibly a Pegg-invented term, playfully described as a type of puppet-like creature, reminiscent of Jim Henson’s work.

🚽 Spend a Penny – The Price of a Wee**
“Spend a penny” – A polite way to say you’re going to the toilet, specifically for a “number one.”
Origin: In the UK, public lavatories once required inserting a penny coin to unlock the stall.

👖 No Trousers & Damp Squibs
No trousers – A blowhard or someone who talks tough but never delivers. All bark, no bite.
Damp squib – Something underwhelming or disappointing, especially after being hyped up.

🧅 He Knows His Onions
Knows his onions – To be very knowledgeable about a subject.
Simon tells an anecdote where Henry listed a ton of Superman comics on set—“He knows his onions,” indeed.

🍆 Knobs, Pricks, and the Fine Art of Insulting with Affection
British insults are a genre unto themselves:

Knob – Literally refers to male anatomy, but also a mild insult, often used affectionately.

“Don’t be a knob, Henry.”
Prick / Dick / Twat – Variations with stronger or more hostile tones.
Simon helpfully ranks them by severity. Calling someone a “knob” is cheeky; “prick” is rude.

🗑️ Tosh and Other Nonsense
Tosh – Synonym for nonsense or rubbish.
Example: “That’s a load of old tosh.”

🎓 Final Thoughts – Do You Really Speak English?
Henry closes with a cheeky truth:

“You say you speak English… but you don’t.”
From idiot boxes to doofahs, this hilarious lesson reminds us that English isn’t just a language—it’s a culture, and in Britain, it comes with layers of wit, sarcasm, and history.

🎥 Watch the full video on Vanity Fair’s channel to hear it straight from the source – complete with deadpan delivery, British banter, and the occasional canine anatomy reference.

Want more breakdowns of pop culture language moments like this one? Let me know and I’ll whip up another full article!